The ENFJ death grip on relevance

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People say ENFJs always want to be the center of attention. But that’s not quite right. ENFJs want to be relevant to the people around them.

This distinction came up for me when I was talking with my son Z about his friend’s startup. I liked that they were asking for advice. But then they weren’t.

Z said, “Mom, please stop. I just don’t think you know anything about tech startups.”

I said, “I funded your entire childhood with my tech startups.”

He said, “Like Math.com? Are you seriously telling me that was a tech startup?”

“Yeah.”

“That was in the 1900s!”

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say, “You hurt my feelings when you act like my career doesn’t matter.” I can’t need career validation from my kid. And anyway what I really want is to stay relevant in his life.

The irony is that when my kids were little and needed me constantly, I got so overwhelmed I had to learn breathing exercises just to stay calm while they called for me. But once kids grew up, they did more and more without me.

Now I think I’m experiencing the ENFJ version of worrying about relevance. You don’t just want to just exist in people’s lives, you want to matter.

My natural instinct has always been to matter by building things from my ideas. When my kids became the focus of my life, I tried to shift the way I created meaning by focusing on helping them self-actualize.

I held on to that pretty tightly because I’d already lost my footing in life once. But it’s happening again. I think my role now is often just to witness their lives. To be someone who is interested and who sees them.

I don’t think I’d really believe that my presence has impact if I hadn’t told that to ENFJs many times before. To an ENFJ just being present can feel like giving up. But ENFJs are impactful as a witness precisely because they’ve been impactful as a guide.

When you loosen your grip on creating meaning, you often become more relevant, not less. Because people don’t always need guidance. Sometimes they just need someone who’s glad they exist. And that turns out to be a pretty meaningful place to stand. This is what I’ve learned watching ENFJs and it’s how I know it’ll work for me.

So what did I say to Z? I said, “Okay. Point taken. So what are you and your friends thinking about?” I did, really, want to know what they were doing. It was hard to control myself from adding my two cents — but those breathing exercises really helped.